Showing Up Attractive, Part II: The Right Kind Of Confidence And Loving Uncertainty
Dear Speed Seduction® Student,
Another aspect of showing up attractive is learning to develop a good relationship to uncertainty, anxiety, and not knowing what the fuck is going to happen.
Many guys come to me wanting “confidence” with women. But what they are really saying is they want what I call “performance confidence”.
What is “performance confidence”? That’s easy to explain.
If you’ve done something very well 5,000 times, it is reasonable to expect you will do well on the 5,001st attempt.
The challenge for many guys in this game is that they want the performance confidence, PRIOR to doing any performing.
So they wind up never performing, never being confident and never getting any real world skill.
Or any moist pink relief either.
Love Your Anxiety As You Love Yourself, And Soon You Will Be Loving Your Neighbor’s Wife Too!
The solution I’ve found that works best is to reshape a student’s definition of “confidence” into what I will define here as “acceptance confidence”.
Acceptance confidence has the following components:
1. The skill of being present with the raw, physical sensations of anxiety, without fighting them, resisting them or trying to make them change or go away, but also and equally without feeding them by telling yourself that your anxious feelings mean you are going to fail or it is time to run away. Don’t feed, don’t fight AND don’t flee!
(Let me just add that very few humans can be present with raw physical sensations like this. It takes training and practice. But it opens up some wonderful choices in life that few people will ever experience and that alone makes you very, very attractive on some interesting and non-verbal levels. More about this later)
2. The skill of deciding what you are going to do, once you experience the anxiety, without fighting or feeding or fleeing. It basically comes down to a simple acknowledgment of what is going on and then a choice . As in, “I don’t know what is going to happen with this girl, I don’t like that I don’t know, and let’s go talk to her, have some fun, and find out what she is like!”
3. A deep realization about the meaning and information content of “anxiety”. Your experience of internal anxiety has zero information value about what will happen with that girl you’d like to meet. It is not a sign you are about to fail or be humiliated in the world. It has no information value about anything happening outside of your own skin. It is only a sign of an internal neurological event.
4. Finally, taking on some powerful beliefs and attitudes about learning. Since I’m such an awesome teacher, here are the main ones:
A. I will either enjoy getting what I want, or enjoying learning what I need to get what I want or better.
B. I can, will and do decide what I learn from each and every event, choice, action and situation.
C. When I don’t know what to do, I take a bold step forward.
D. When I don’t know what to do, I make the choice and take the action that moves me even closer to the kind of person I am already more and more becoming
Once a student has mastered, in action, the essentials of acceptance confidence, then and only then is he ready to take on rehearsal confidence, another key component of showing up attractive. And I’ll probably talk about that in the next post.
Your comments and feedback are essential to this series continuing. So please post them below!
Peace and piece,
RJ
P.S. If enjoying damn near ridiculous levels of success, satisfaction and pleasure with the most amazing women around is something you are highly interested in, then clicking here could be one of the best things you’ve ever done. You owe it to yourself to check it out.
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