Dear Speed Seduction(R) Students,
So many guys think they are so alone with their challenges and struggles with women.
They come to me thinking that no one understands and that no one has been through what they are stuck with.
I am glad to tell them they are wrong.
Today I want to share, word for word, an email I got from someone. Then I want to share my answer.
Do note that normally I don’t do this on the blog as the formatting issues alone are a nightmare.
But this is worthwhile.
Let’s start with his email(I haven’t bothered to edit it, so spelling mistakes and all are here!)
“Hey Ross, hows it going?
Ive been reading your newsletters for about 2 months now and Im ready to make my first order. I do however would like to hear from you on something that I feel is a MAJOR hurdle for me.
I am a good looking guy, muscular 6′2 and I always get attention (just looks) from women in the very rare times that I go out. Notice I said rare times. I was an ugly kid growing up and always got teased for my ears that stuck out, my chiney eyes (im african american) and other silly little things. To this day (im 26), I still have low self esteem , low self worth, negative self images - the hwole works. As if it wasnt bad enuf, I have a receeding hairline which makes me all the more self-concious whever I go out without a hat.
So here’s my problem. I’ve been keeping to myself for the last 7 or 8 years of my life, Ive basicallt made about 20 friends during this same period. None of them talk to me anymore because Im always giving off negative vibes and Im no fun to be around beause I dont talk much or have much to talk about. I know you’r enot a psychologist and Im not looking for you to help me here, Im doing a lot of self-improvement work.
My question for you is this: How does someone with close to no people skills at all, who’s been shying away from the public, hasnt been to a club since I was 18, has no friends - not even male friends! Im very nervous when meeting people, even guys, because I know that after 5 or 10 mins of chat, they’re gonna see me for who I really am - an insecure guy with no personality. Ok here’s the real question!! How does someone like that, go out and then practice this material that you’re teaching???
I would really like to hear any suggestions you have because this part of my life is holding me back tremendously. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. I know you get thousands a day, I hope my e-mail’s subject stands out enough for you to read it.
Peace
Ainsley”
Ok. That’s his email. Here is my answer, with my notes to you readers in blue. It is based on acknowledging his pain but getting him to see that the pain is not the only thing there is. That the pain is, in fact, possibility that has not yet been converted. Here it is:
“I’ll keep this brief.
Maybe it is possible to acknowledge the pain from your past-whatever the cause-without making that pain the place you come from when you want to interact with other people.
(I’m pacing him here. No sense telling him to ignore the pain or cheer him up-that would conflict with his reality too much and it would be rude too! I’m also sliding in the presupposition that it is the way he interacts with people that is the problem, rather than something wrong with his identity)
Maybe it is possible to acknowledge the pain from your past-whatever the cause-without making that pain the FILTER through which you see your current reality and opportunities.
(Here I am sliding in the presupposition/suggestion that the pain isn’t really the problem, but rather how the pain is distorting his perception).
Maybe it is possible to acknowledge the pain from your past-whatever the cause-without it making you so noisy inside that you can’t read other people’s signals and they can’t get past the noise that you generate when you try to get your message across.
(The assumption/suggestion here is that it is really just a matter of “noise” getting in the way-his way and others-rather than there being some awful deficit with his “self”)
So rather than ignore the past and pretend it didn’t happen, or get stuck in it and let it control you, I want you to consider a third choice: you can acknowledge it and then move from that.
(This is really a clarifying strategy: it is making it clear to him that I am not asking him to dishonor his pain and pretend it isn’t there, but nor do I want him to wallow in it either or struggle against it. These indeed are his only perceived choices up until now. So I pace that and then present a new choice against which he can begin to hope for: that he can acknowledge it and move on).
Now, I don’t believe in “self-esteem” as a thing that you have or don’t. I do encourage you to see the ongoing process and activity of “self-esteeming” as a verb-something you do or don’t do-rather than a fixed, unchanging quality of personality.
(As long as he thinks in terms of fixed qualities or quantities, he can see himself as lacking without anything he can do about it-it’s “just him” or “just how it has always been”, so what can he do about it but suffer? Once however he sees it as a process that he is performing, it creates space and leverage to accept the possibility/hope for things to be different. I am quite clear about this with him too.)
The structure of your “self-esteeming”-the HOW of your doing it-is colored over by the pain from the past and the filters of that pain through which you see that sense of possibility.
(I point out here how what he is doing is being interrupted and contaminated so he can get some sense of a structure, rather than some mysterious “something” called “low self-esteem” that has infected him like a virus. )
So the key is to change your PROCESS of “self-esteeming”. Rather than trying to magically raise or lower some fixed “quality” or “quantity ” of someTHING, we change the process.
So there is a structure to all of this that I have.
(The summary is pretty clear for him. It is about something he has been “doing” not who he “is”. Since he believes who he “is” can’t change or will only change with great pain, we move him off that concept entirely and just make it about what he is doing: internally with himself and externally in the world!)
I would suggest Nail Your Inner Game as your first purchase and then we’ll subscribe you to the Yahoo group as well.
Does this make sense? Feel free to write me back with questions and feedback. I care.
(This is the product I feel would best help him and I want to let him know that personally I am here to lend an ear as I can)
RJ
P.S. One other thing: almost everyone you come in contact with has the same issues as you, to one degree or another. Everyone has some area of life where they have pain/shame from the past. That is how society raises us to feel about ourselves, as a way of controlling us. They may have it in different areas and in different degrees of intensity, but I assure you as someone who has worked with thousands of people, it is a fact.
(This is perhaps the best piece of work: I take his pain and reframe it as common ground, rather than something to feel ashamed of or something he has to feel makes him different or separate from others. And the beauty of the reframe is, that it is TRUE.)
Ok guys. Long post, but I think you see the power of this.
Peace, piece and please comment below, or leave questions about my process.
RJ
P.S. If you have these issues yourself, I highly recommend that you:
1. Join my coaching program and get live access to me 3 times a month, plus recorded video support!
2. Get the Nail Your Inner Game Program and stomp this shit into the ground, forever!
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